I saw Atomic Blonde which is a movie that showcases my fighting technique taken from videos of me over the years. See, I told you the NSA has been filming me my whole life. I got to help pick the actress and, I think, I named the movie. The NSA was still erasing my memory up until November of 2016.
Any hoo, I never had any combat training, or boxing or anything like that. I have only a few things that I may have done differently, fighting wise, the movie seemed pretty accurate, although I would never be a double agent. Honesty is the best policy. I would never join the military, I’m sure that’s part of this crazy vendetta the NSA has against me. Films of my fights are used in Special Forces training. Seriously. Arizona and a few others told me that. Apparently Special Forces fights like a girl.
Back to timing, twice, once in the car and once on the stairs, there is a full second before Charlize kicks her opponent. Ladies, if you’re ever in a fight to the death, timing is crucial. Kick ‘em when they’re down, it’s your only way out. And kick ‘em in the package. Use everything you have at arms reach as a weapon. Don’t punch. Use your elbows, knees and feet.
I think what used to happen was, every time I helped our Military, a few agents were sent to kill me several different ways. Don’t eat anything that tastes funny. Don’t walk too close to the curb on the sidewalk. To be clear, I’d do something like figure out a way to get hostages out, or design the Star Wars weapon, or drones, and then I was put on a hit list. Maybe it was because the guy taking credit for the things I did, didn’t want me to blow his whatever. I had my memory erased and I was never a threat in any way, but do the US a favor and they’ll kill you. Or, at least they’ll try.
The other thing is – no one called her a b__h, c__t, or whore while they were fighting? Every time I landed a good one, I was called names; so I’d call them names when they hit me, too. The same names as they called me, by the way. And Charlize never broke a nail? For the next one, after a fight have her shake her hand and suck on a finger. That’s a given.
For the next one, put more story in the movie, you have to give the audience a chance to breathe, Alfred Hitchcock taught me that.
Oh, if you’re in a car that’s going to go into the water, roll down the windows before the car hits the water. Then swim out the window before the car sinks. once the car is level with the water it’ll be easier to swim out. Push away from the car with your feet. Swim away fast in case the car creates a whirlpool on its way down. Then swim, underwater, into the shadows because there are probably riflemen aiming in the direction of the bubbles.
Charlize was terrific. She always is. And so much prettier than I ever was. I thought her hair was just right. She really couldn’t have been better. I’m glad John and Charlize were both available. It’s always a treat to see John Goodman, what a great actor. I always enjoyed working with him.
I have a problem with extreme close-ups. I don’t like them and I don’t know anyone who does.
Oh, and I’m not gay, or bi. If you see me with any other woman in a flick on the internet, that’s either photoshopped or it’s someone who looks like me. Not me, sorry. (Maybe for the next one you could give her a younger man love interest?)
Tip: If you’re bleeding keep drinking water and stop and lie down if possible. The wound will close and the bleeding will stop and heal if you’re still alive but if you loose blood, you loose fluids. The trick is not to die from bleeding out. All the water you drink will become blood, almost instantly. Concentrate your energy into healing the wound.
The fights were well choreographed, and the sound effects were right on. It’s a good summer thriller.